It's over, the week long binge is over. I don't even know how it all got started. I got sick on Wednesday night after small group, I'm pretty sure that it was some 24 hour bug. Anyway, got up Thursday and was down to 201.2 - record low for the last 18 months. So, what did I do? I ate sensibly during the day because my stomach was still not 100% but I didn't log anything. At this point I can't even remember what I ate for dinner! Then on Friday the binge began, I just didn't track anything on Spark for 6 days and so I had no idea where my calories were at. Apparently I still cannot eat intuitively because I felt like I'd done well on Friday but logging it all today I see that I went over by like 600 calories. So much for thinking that I was doing a good job. Then Saturday we ran 5 miles and then ran lots of errands and went to the movies and babysat so I ate no food, other than breakfast, at home. Then came Sunday - game day. I did well not filling my plate repeatedly but the hostess had set little bowls of peanut M&Ms everywhere and I kept finding myself putting my hand into the bowl. I didn't even try to calculate what all I ate on Sunday - I'm sure it was bad. Then on Monday I was determined to do well I was at 203 so I hadn't gained over the week and really thought I could see a loss today but then I found myself at Jack in the Box and somehow a bag of candy and kettle corn came to my office with me so that was my dinner. Terrible. Then I thought I could redeem myself yesterday and did really well but didn't leave my office until 8pm and so I was driving past McDonald's and I was starving so I stopped and ordered terrible food, still lowest calorie count day of the week but still bad. Woke up and weighed in at 204.2 - up 1.2 pounds from last week. I can clearly see why. I need to log every calorie because I am clearly not able to eat intuitively yet.
I worry that I may never be an intuitive eater. What if I have to count calories forever? What if I just can't do this? I'm really questioning my ability to stick with this lifestyle forever because I still after counting calories for so long have trouble getting it together. I get sidetracked way too easily and the excuses slip in. I know what I need to do, I have all of the tools to do it but for some reason I have difficulty implementing the plan and sticking with it. The worst part was that it wasn't even enjoyable, for the most part I didn't really enjoy any of my eating this past week it was just mechanical. Okay, I'm going to get back up and get moving again. I really want to see my weight begin with the number 1 before I head to Indiana for Spring break. That's 18 days from now and 5 pounds to go. I can do it, I will do it. I'll be logging everything and running consistently.